From my perspective, this has been a winter filled with various “problems” for the herd’s health. One lost weight, one had a bacterial hoof issue, one tweaked something in his hind leg while playing, one had a choking incident, one felt depressed and withdrawn, all have had gastrointestinal issues. I have had a lot of thoughts and emotions about all of these “problems.”
About a month ago I was out administering medicine to the herd for the gastrointestinal issue and I realized I was very tense, very stressed. Of course the horse I was working with was mirroring this, too. I paused, realizing what was happening. I gave myself a moment to relax, and let go of needing to finish the medicine and get it all done. I could feel how the tension and pressure were creating more tension in the herd, and honestly it had become stressful going out to the barn in the weeks leading up to this day because all of the “problems” were weighing on me. I was putting a lot of energy into worrying, and treating all of these health conditions as problems to be solved and fixed.
As I stood with the horse, opening, relaxing, I had an insight: what would happen if I didn’t treat these health conditions as problems? Hmm…this really made me pause. I remembered reading about a healing story from my Qigong teacher in which a phrase was said, and I applied it to this situation with the herd. After a big relaxing breath and a minute centering my energy within: All energy blockages are already disappeared. The whole herd is in a harmonious entirety state.
After a minute repeating and merging with this information, I could feel myself relaxing into this knowing. My true self believed this statement. Somehow this play with my perspective of time as I stood really present and aware relaxed me, even as my physical reality in that moment could have been perceived as filled with problems. The horse relaxed, making my medicine task a lot easier.
I started saying this to myself and out loud going out to the barn, taking care of the horses, hanging out with them. A feeling of ease has returned. The GI issue is a lot better, and the depression has eased. One of them is still underweight, there is still a hoof challenge, and the hind leg is better but not 100%. Yet I am not in the same fear spiral when I’m out with them, and mostly I trust that the herd is in a harmonious entirety state.
Then shortly after this I had something come up with my own physical body, which is a big trigger for me. I could feel old deep fear arising, anxious thinking about finding a solution, upsetting emotions. It was ten days of a total emotional roller coaster, reacting from fear and getting completely sucked into the spiral of separation, then finding my way back to my true self for a bit and relaxing into ease.
I realized the horses had been preparing me for this over the winter. After relaxing a few moments and breathing, I say to myself: All energy blockages are already disappeared. My whole body and being are in a harmonious entirety state.
When we’re present there is no time; many of the wise enlightened beings have said time is an illusion. Somehow playing with this, opening and connecting with the possibility of all being well already, wakes up my pure baby heart to its most loving potential, and my eldest wisest self shows up, and truly, all is well. The gift of presence is that barriers and separations can begin to dissolve, soften, and in that spaciousness there is an opening for a change of perspective, a transformation, or perhaps an insight.
Can I stay in this dissolved open oneness, pure awareness state always? No, not today. Can I play with it and weave it into my reality, minute by minute? Yes! Developing a new pathway of good information, with gentleness and open spacious awareness, feels doable sometimes.
And when the fear spiral arrives, that’s ok too. Our old limited ways of handling challenges are very deep patterns, and they served us at some point. The contraction of energy that comes from feeling separate and in fear, whether in upsetting emotions, body symptoms or scary anxious thoughts – that’s all part of life for many of us. How do the horses respond? They allow it. More and more for me, the horses offer us an invitation into allowing compassion for our own experience, including our limiting reactions to “problems,” which in turn opens the energy. The horses don’t run away from me when I’m in a fear spiral, quite the opposite. The herd reminds us that unconditional love and presence are always available to us, with a small shift of perspective. Presence knows no bounds.